This recipe is a smaller scale version
of Martha Stewart’s accurately named
Perfect Roast Turkey.
It’s not afraid of butter.
We’re pretty glad she’s promoting Martha’s turkey recipe, as we cannot imagine Gwyneth’s would taste very good. Gwyneth probably is afraid of butter. Of course, we cannot know this for sure, but our guess is that a horrible butter stick monster once made her gain a pound during puberty, and since then she breaks out in a cold sweat when confronted with any sort of fattening dairy.
We here at POOP have an even better turkey recipe than Martha Stewart. And, for the first time, we, Ethel and Lucy, will share it with you. Many people are scared of Thanksgiving dinner. Perhaps you don’t like cooking. Or perhaps you and the relatives you have coming over voted for different folks in the November 4 election and there’s some bad blood. Our turkey recipe will make Thanksgiving enjoyable for all – guaranteed.
Are you ready?
Serves: Its purpose
Prep Time: Somewhere between 30 mins and 6 hours
Take one Vicodin.
Watch beginning of Macy's parade.
Wow, the parade is so neat! Don't you love Snoopy? I do. I could’ve been a Rockette if only I were 9 inches taller.
Wander into kitchen.
Take big bird thingie out of giant cold box and do... something.
Turn on oven.
Open bottle of wine.
Sing a Lionel Ritchie song to the potatoes. Repeat.
Open bottle of Vicodin and smashie smashie several pills. Doesn’t matter how many.
Dump oil over birdie and sprinkle pills on top.
Drink glass of wine. Repeat.
At this point, you may forget why you’re in the kitchen. The green beans will tell you everything you need to know.
Boil potatoes. In water.
Ask mother-in-law for help.
Leave kitchen because mother-in-law tells you to.
Giggle at Uncle Chester’s impression of Aunt Farty.
Watch Ben Hur. Take drink of egg nog (alcoholic kind) every time Charlton Heston over-emotes.
Wait for dinner. Avoid glares from mother-in-law.
Feel even better.
Entire family happy.
Remember to turn off oven so house does not burn down.
Stay safe kids! And have a very, very Happy Thanksgiving!